This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life by Lyz Lenz is a brilliant blend of memoir and research findings. Ms. Lenz eloquently sums up why women end most marriages: at some point we are done serving as unpaid help disrespected by our spouses. Her story is the story of divorced women everywhere. So many of us have discovered that it is far better to be alone than in bad company. To this end, she quotes a Tweet that went viral written by musician Kaya Nova:

People think they’re competing with other suitors when dating me, but really I’m comparing you to my own solitude.  That’s the competition.  Is your company better than being alone?  Am I growing around you like I do when I’m alone?  Do I feel safe?  Is there joy???  Is there peace???

Quite frankly, I think this book should be required reading for every engaged couple. Women will be sobered by the lack of equality in most marriages; men will discover that they need to step up if they want to continue to enjoy the benefits of marriage. Hopefully, they will invest as much energy into negotiating expectations as they do on planning their wedding.

Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face

Ms. Lenz dreamed of having a wedding dress similar to the one Audrey Hepburn wore in Funny Face. The dress she bought for $200 on a discount bridal website unfortunately had a flaw, but she wasn’t able to timely return it. She wondered whether the flaw and the hated bow on the front were an omen. She settled. After her divorce, she burned it. The burning dress is on the book’s cover.

It is also a metaphor for how fire burns away pretense. What is good? What is worth keeping? Sometimes we need to walk away and start something new. The inequality of marriage had crushed her. She worried that the life of a single mother would be exhausting and harder:

No man to help me around the house.  No one to help me with the kids. . .But what I discovered was the exact opposite.  I had fought so hard for equality in my marriage.  I’d pushed for it and bartered and cried and nagged for it.  But what got me there in the end was court-mandated joint custody and no longer living with a man.

The first couple of weeks living in the rented house [in Cedar Rapids, Iowa], I was shocked to discover that instead of my workload increasing, it actually decreased.  My ex and I share fifty-fifty custody, so the children weren’t in my house all the time.  But I wsn’t using that newly freed time on housework; I was using it to work, often staying up until one A.M., juggling writing projects. . .The house was cleaner.  The dishes were always done.  There wasn’t trash on the floor.  That sticky residue I was always wiping off the counters was gone.

She was no longer cleaning up after her husband.  She had free agency to make decisions and choices without enduring criticism from him.  She was no longer the unpaid help.  Her therapist encouraged her to ask for help from others.  She discovered that she didn’t need a date or husband to enjoy companionship and new experiences.  She could get that from friends.

It isn’t easy to exit a relationship.  We miss the good times, but we’re done with the bad times.  After the judge and I split, I found tremendous joy in doing things that didn’t interest him.  He had insisted I bring my bike in my car when I relocated from Chicago to Oregon.  He bought a bike rack for his car.  But, we never went on a bike ride.  Why?  It didn’t involve booze.  We didn’t swim.  It didn’t involve booze.  I found an ideal apartment with a pool, hot tub, balcony, and hiking trails up the side of a mountain.  I read books and created a beautiful garden.  It was bliss.

My beloved cat David Rittenhouse (Ritty Kitty) on my balcony in Lake Oswego, OR.

We aren’t alone.  Millions of women have walked in our shoes.  Some opt to remain single while others enter into a new relationship.  We all have the freedom to chart a new path.