My Mother Passed Away Yesterday

Harold and Verna Drake’s wedding, 11/25/44

My godmother called a few moments ago to inform me that my mother passed away yesterday afternoon.  Given our history, I was surprised that I immediately started crying and can’t seem to be able to stop.

It’s odd.  Typically, when someone very close to me passes away, I feel a high level of anxiety until someone calls with the news.  Yesterday felt quite liberating.  Perhaps it was.

I was, however, moved to inexplicable tears when I watched an interview of Lee Boyd Malvo yesterday on the Today Show.  He was D.C. Sniper John Allen Muhammad’s accomplice.  He talked about the horrific child abuse he had experienced and how Mr. Muhammad was able to reel him in by listening.  I intimately know the desperation of a child who experiences unrequited love from our parents.  I know how vulnerable we can be to predators.  We make ideal prey because there’s nobody to protect us.  We don’t recognize them as predators because we don’t know how to distinguish between the wolf and the sheep.

Mr. Malvo suggested that his victims’ loved ones forget about him ~ erase him from their conscious awareness.  I think it is good advice.  It is an excellent way to take our power back.

I am stridently pro-choice because I know the pain unwanted children experience ~ the abuse we so often must endure because our parents secretly wish they could get rid of us.

My sisters won’t be inviting me to the memorial service.  They won’t claim me until ~ like my Uncle Russ ~ I pass away too.  Then, they’ll be here with the moving truck to collect my stuff.

This is why I have so little tolerance for fundamentalist, evangelical “Christians.”  I have endured their self-righteous lack of compassion and empathy all my life, and I’m sick of it.

In many respects, my mother died for me on her birthday in 2010.  She finally admitted that she had never wanted me to be born.  I responded that it was her birthday and she might want to thank God for a life filled with abundant blessings.  She hung up on me, and I never spoke to her again.  God put her through hell before he let her finally die peacefully yesterday.

May the healing commence.  Bless you, my dear readers, for your love and support.

6 responses to “My Mother Passed Away Yesterday

  1. My heart goes out to you. I’m glad you were born. For I would still believe I deserved all the punishment Brooklyn and I endure through the courts and my ex. I agree that some people should not have the gift of baring a child for they have there own history to contest with. And basically are killing the children they have by abuse. Its a much longer painful death. But your mom was wrong. You were sent here by God to open up the eyes of women like me. You were OUR gift. Not hers. And I thank her. On Oct 26, 2012 1:42 PM, “Anne Caroline Drake” wrote:

    > ** > Anne Caroline Drake posted: ” Harold and Verna Drake’s wedding, > 11/25/44 My godmother called a few moments ago to inform me that > my mother passed away yesterday afternoon. Given our history, I was > surprised “

  2. I am left without words; only feelings of empathy and love and a wish that I could have been your mother instead. I feel think of what you’ve endured, but as the person above said, YOU have been the gift. And you keep on giving. I’ll be with you in spirit today Carolyn.

  3. I sure do respect you! I am sorry for the pain you endured, and I’m very happy to know we (this world) have people like you in it!!!


  4. Thank you for this blog Caroline and for sharing your thoughts about your mom. I’m sorry for your loss. The lesson you taught me with this blog post is exactly the lesson I needed to learn at this exact moment in my life: hope no matter what with faith to keep going because even without trying, we seem to be able to show up for each other just at the right time. Like each of us is one tiny piece in one huge universe-sized puzzle – each of us so important without even trying. Thank you for showing up on my path today with this post. It was perfect timing. ❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s