Nancy P. Tyler Uses Her Powerful Voice to Help Others

Nancy P. Tyler

In the midst of her own domestic violence and litigation abuse nightmare, Connecticut attorney Nancy P. Tyler graciously and courageously spoke out for others walking in her shoes.  Connecticut has recently had an explosion of horrific domestic violence murders.  Ms. Tyler’s remarks were featured in a video and newstory by WTNH on how the Connecticut’s Gov. M. Jodi Rell intends to cut funding for domestic violence programs.  What is it with female governors who don’t appreciate the value of domestic violence prevention?

I’d like to give a shout-out to the Hartford Courant for their blog Battered Lives,” their editorial “Toughen Laws Against Domestic Abuse,” and Josh Kovner and Alaine Griffin’s extensive article “12,520 ~ and Counting:  High-Profile Cases Put Spotlight On Domestic Abuse.”  It’s great to see a newspaper honor their First Amendment duty to shine a bright light on systemic dysfunctions.  Bravo!

Ms. Tyler’s remarks were published in the Hartford Courant on January 28, 2010 (click here for video):

Nancy P. Tyler’s Remarks At Press Conference Hosted By Domestic Violence Coalition

In 2009, domestic violence made headlines in Connecticut. I was one of the victims in those stories.

In 2010, domestic violence continues to make headlines. And although even thinking about my experience is the absolute last thing I want to do, I’m here today because I know that the legislature is in a position to take effective action against this horrific situation that destroys families and takes lives.

About a week or so ago, a West Haven woman called police about her husband. They responded and he left. Then he returned. From all reports, he killed her, then himself.

Most people have no idea what it was like for that woman, trapped in her home, with her husband threatening to kill her, begging for her life. But I do. It happened to me. So I can imagine her last moments and I pray none of you will ever be forced to live through moments like those.

The Coalition is asking the legislature to help them take action to stop domestic violence. And make no mistake about it, these deaths and the family destruction will continue, life by life, unless we all take action to end it.

Ending a pattern like this takes a commitment. I’m here to plead with the legislature to make that commitment To take a stand. To say it stops here.

We need to do everything in our power to stop domestic violence. Our society needs it. Our state needs it. But most of all, hurting families everywhere need it.

The system we currently have is flawed. It needs to be improved. And it needs to be funded. We can help make it happen.

The Coalition is presenting proposals in five areas in which they believe an investment can make a difference. By supporting their proposals, the legislature can give the Coalition and the victims they serve more weapons to fight this epidemic of domestic violence.

One vital weapon is the availability of well-staffed protected shelters for victims when they need safekeeping. We need to fund the shelters because we can’t leave victims alone when they most need the help. We have to give them a safe place to go with people there 24 hours a day…people who can respond to danger or just provide reassurance, some strength to face the next day.

We have to keep up the investment in experts who can guide victims through the system so they aren’t further victimized by the very laws that were created to protect them. I urge the legislature to make the investment to assure victims they have these safe, well-staffed shelters.

Another vital weapon in the fight against domestic abuse is the education of our young people. Let’s make the commitment now to educate teens about control & power and teach them about the decency expected in a healthy relationship.

Let’s teach them that all of us have the right to control our own lives and none of us have the right to control others.

Let’s teach them that there is a decent way to have a relationship that doesn’t include emotional or physical abuse, that doesn’t include control and isolation, that doesn’t depend on submission and emotional, physical, or financial pain.

They need to understand that no abuse is acceptable in a civilized society. If we don’t take action now, more youngsters will grow up to be batterers and abusers… and even more will grow up to be battered and abused.

Domestic violence should have stopped with my generation. It didn’t. If anything, it’s become more prevalent. We can reverse this horrible trend. But we need the money and the commitment to do it.

And as difficult as it is to spend money in challenging economic times, this is money we can’t afford not to spend.

Aren’t we better off spending money now to teach our children respect for each other–and themselves– rather than spending it later to deal with violence, death and the destruction of families?

Aren’t we better off dedicating money now to grow more reasonable adults than spending it later to house more convicted murderers?

Copyright © 2010, The Hartford Courant

Note:  You can read other posts about Nancy P. Tyler’s continuing nightmare by clicking here and here.

6 responses to “Nancy P. Tyler Uses Her Powerful Voice to Help Others

  1. I just watched the 20/20 on TLC about Nancy. I am very happy she escaped. I am a survivor of DV for over 30 years on & off. I am also a survivor of 6 rapes,1 by a cop.
    I do take issue with one thing she said, that is to call the police. I called repeatedly & was promptly arrested & sent to Niantic. I think the police should be better educated on how to deal with the women. If they come to the house & ask if everything is ok & you say yes, then when they leave you just get beat more. If you say no then you are both arrested. Something has to change or no women will report abuse for fear of jail.
    I lived in Derby Ct during this time, it was also a Derby cop who raped me. I moved away for a while & just moved back & now live across from the Police Station & I do not feel safe at all. I just found out my abuser just got out of jail again & have no idea where he is. It has been over 7 years since I have had anything to do with a man, I guess I’m just afraid I will pick the same type. But I have no doubpt that my abuser will be looking for me once again, as he always does & Victims Services can’t help me because he isn’t on parole or probation. So once again I am living in fear.

  2. Mommy 100255,

    CT doesn’t have a good track record regarding DV. If they’d done what they should have done, Nancy Tyler would never have ended up living a nightmare or having to call the police. The way her story has been spun boggles my mind.

    CT has a Safe at Home program, and I highly recommend that you look into it. Here’s a link:

    I have learned that we’re pretty much on our own. The ONLY resource that has worked for me is WA State’s Address Confidentiality Program (another term for Safe at Home). I don’t use credit cards, and I route ALL my business through the ACP. It’s doesn’t mean that I’m no longer stalked. It does mean that the trap is set for the judge ~ that’s right ~ state supreme court judge ~ who has stalked me since 1992.

    My other recommendation is that you link into the survivors’ network that is developing on Facebook. It isn’t anything official. It’s just a bunch of us who are fed up with a dysfunctional system each contributing our unique talents to make a difference. If you send me a friend request and let me know you found me on this site, I’ll honor it. You can meet other people walking in your shoes who have survived and moved on.

    Fear is a shitty address, eh?

    Sending hugs and best wishes,
    Anne Caroline

  3. Just watched your story on 20/20 and was taken back to my own experience. A person in a domestic violence situation ever forgets they only move on. When I was 27 and 3 months pregnant with my 1st child my husband put a gun in my mouth. He looked like the devil. I closed my eyes and keep rubbing my baby, praying he would just go. He finally left. When I called the police the next day, I was asked if he pulled the trigger? I said if he did I won’t be talking to you; his answer was you are lucky. I am 63 and still can see the gun.
    Pandora Hedrick

  4. Ms. Hedrick,

    Your story has me bawling my eyes out. The comment on my feed before your comment brought back a very similar memory of the night the judge pointed a loaded gun at my own head. I had a nightmare last night about the cabal of people who should protect us but instead say stupid stuff to us.

    Are we lucky? I dunno. You are four years younger than I am, and I too can still see the gun.

    I pray that you and your child have had a good life and that you are both safe.

    May you be blessed abundantly,
    Anne Caroline

  5. Anne, my son was born health and is now 35. It was helpful to write to you and have someone know exactly how these situations remain with you for a lifetime. Thanks for your rely, I needed to believe someone else really knew how (we) I felt at that moment. I will always feel connect to you. I just wish it could be under different circumstances.

  6. Thank you, Pandora. I started this blog because I think there’s true power when survivors connect.

    My hope is that we all find mutual interests which enhance and support the women we have become. Yes, we survived. My goal is for all of us to ultimately thrive and find joy. It sounds like this has happened with you and your son, and this makes my heart very, very glad.

    Sending hugs and best wishes,
    Anne Caroline

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