Thank you for believing with me in this vision that women can be

free and empowered and safe.

- Eve Ensler

Two years ago today I launched Navigating Uncharted Waters and dedicated this site to Eve Ensler.  I’m thrilled to report that over 96,000 people have visited.  Thank you!  Bless you!

In her message to V-Activists today, Ms. Ensler said:

Happiest V-Day 2011!  Today I am filled with so much excitement, gratitude, pride.  This year we have 1,500 events in 57 countries and all 50 of the United States.  We have V-Day’s in places far and wide from Armenia to Peru, Angola to South Korea.  We have a V-Day in Mongolia for the first time. We opened City of Joy, the most magnificent small village for women to come into their power in Bukavu, DRC.  We have safe houses in Kenya, South Dakota, Haiti, Pakistan.  We have a rapidly expanding V-Girls network.  We are spotlighting Haiti and supporting an ambitious project directed and designed by our sisters in Haiti.  We have thousands of V-Activists reaching millions of people.  We have joy, anger, frustration, exhilaration, anticipation.

On this precious day, I wanted to thank you for doing what you do.  I want to thank you for your leadership.  Each one of you is leading the way for others, carving paths for women to walk in and creating a world for women and men to believe in.  Thank you for believing with me in this vision that women can be free and empowered and safe.  The opening of City of Joy was a huge opening for all of us, for this movement, and now is the time to go further.  Egypt and Tunisia are once again proof that movements are what change the world.

HAPPY V-DAY!

Please visit V-Day’s website to find a V-Day event in your area.

Bitzie sends you Happy V-Day wishes.  Now, I need to go spoil her rotten to reward her for posing for this photo.  She was not happy with her V-Day feather boa.

Happy V-Day, y’all!  Thanks for your support, loyalty, and comments.

Ginny Nicarthy, author of Getting Free:  You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life and You can Be Free:  An Easy-to-Read Handbook for Abused Women, kicked off L.Y. Marlow’s  Saving Promise 10-city national “Gotta Talk About It” rally in Seattle on October 30 at Northgate Mall.  Ms. Nicarthy founded Rape Relief in Seattle in 1972.  Six years later she founded Abused Women’s Network.

Two bands ~ Velcro Mindset and Verlee for Ransom ~ rocked the house.

The crowd was spell-bound as L.Y. Marlow read from her award-winning book Color Me Butterfly.  She chose the story about her grandfather Rollie being forced to eat a fried rat by her great-grandfather Isaac because three-year-old Rollie had wet the bed.  Although many people in the audience were survivors of child abuse, everyone’s jaws dropped as they listened:

He tossed the rat onto a plate and shoved it at Rollie.

“Eat it!” he said, daring Rollie to disobey.

Eloise and the other children looked aghast:  in the silence, they could hear the rat’s skin still sizzling. . .

Rollie cried helplessly; though he was too young to fully understand what was happening to him, he understood one thing ~ he had just watched his father skin the very thing that scared him as it scurried across the bedroom floor each night.  The look in Isaac’s eyes left no doubt as to what would happen should he disobey.  Rollie picked up the rat and bit at its flesh. 

L.Y.’s own grand-daughter Promise was just six months old when she witnessed her mother Treasure (L.Y.’s daughter) being abused.  L.Y. founded Saving Promise the next day:

Treasure survived because Promise screamed. . .

I have vowed to make sure Promise does not become the 5th generation of victims.

We need to raise the bar.  We need to get beyond the secrecy and shame.  I have decided it is time to achieve real change.

L.Y. tapped into the wisdom of the panel of domestic violence experts.  Left to right:  L.Y. Marlow (wearing a gold sweater), Jonathan Grove representing Men Against Domestic Violence, Besty Ann from D.A.W.N., Mary G representing TAG (Thrivers Action Group, winners of the 2009 King County Coalition Against Domestic Violence’s Take Action Award), William Henkins (winner of the 2010 Take Action Award and owner of The Game Neighborhood Grill and Bar in Kirkland), and Ms. Nicarthy.

Mr. Grove opined, “the community needs to look at domestic violence as a collective problem.” 

Betsy Ann said we need to place “more focus on the perpetrator and less on the victim.”

Mary G. called on us to “be there for someone trying to leave.”

Mr. Henkens is a small business owner who raises funds and awareness on behalf of the Eastside Domestic Violence Program in Bellevue:

The community needs to step up and fill the gap that is ignored by politicians. . .the media looks at it as a family issue rather than as a public health issue. . .Men of quality treat women with equality.

Ms. Nicarthy closed the discussion:

Our solutions to societal problems often entail violence.  We need to solve problems rather than control [people].  80% of homeless women are DV survivors.

I was very touched that fathers brought their young daughters to teach them that they deserve to be treated with love and respect.

This little guy’s sober expression touched my heart.  His father is teaching him early to be a gentle-man.

Survivors were treated to hand massages by Beauty Empower.

Carolyn Scott Brown, Director of Educational Resources at the Faith Trust Institute,  observed that the Saving Promise rally was a catalyst for change.  She noticed that everyone who is working to empower those who experience domestic violence had been brought together by the rally to create synergy for new solutions.  In response to a question from the audience about faith-based solutions she said:

Scripture has been misinterpreted.  Women are told [by clergy] to “go home and pray about it.” 

Then, she shared a scene from Broken Vows about a preacher who didn’t beat his wife on Sundays.

Seven Star Women’s Kung Fu gave excellent lessons in self-defense.

New Beginnings, the shelter that serves the Northgate Mall area, participated in the event.  Group Health, an HMO, did a study several years ago that revealed that 44% of the womenin the Northgate Mall area have experienced domestic violence.

Karen Foley and Cynthia Obtinario brought a moving, empowering, and memorable afternoon to a close.  They sang “Do You Know” which was written by Ms. Foley.  They perform this amazing duet to close each Survivors’ Day in Washington State.

Thank you and bravo to everyone who attended and participated.  We made her-story on Saturday in Seattle.

I’d like to give a special shout-out to Jimm Brown at KOMO TV (ABC affiliate in Seattle).  He received a 2010 Take Action Award and went the extra mile again for domestic violence survivors by asking his colleagues at KOMO radio to publicize the Saving Promise rally.  Mr. Brown, you are my hero and a prince of a man!

After [Oprah's] parents separated from each other and from her, 

she was left in the care of a grandmother 

who believed in the laying on of hands in all ways. 

- Maya Angelou, “Poetic Passage,” 

Even the Stars Look Lonesome 

Oprah Winfrey revealed on her show that her infamous food issues have their roots in her grandmother’s whippings. 

Yet, this October, her magazine has two articles about breast cancer and not one drop of ink about domestic violence.  

“Gotta Talk About It,” Oprah! 

Oprah has turned herself into a pretzel trying to resolve her food issues.  Ironically, the Queen of Talk won’t do the one thing that will heal her:  she’s gotta talk about her grandmother’s whippings.  They are at the root of her disease to please and her food issues. 

If anybody can get Oprah to talk about it, I believe it is L.Y. Marlow.  She’s going to be in Chicago at the Old Orchard Mall on Octber 16. 

L.Y. Marlow Is a Protective Grandmother 

Why did L.Y. launch the Saving Promise “Gotta Talk About It” national road tour?  She wants to protect her granddaughter Promise from experiencing the domestic violence that has been in her family for generations. 

L.Y. knows that domestic violence and child abuse aren’t going to stop until we talk about it. 

Oprah, Invite L.Y. to Be a Guest on Your Show 

You know how Oprah says first we get hit with a pebble. . .then we get hit with a brick?  Well, Oprah, this blogger and day-one ultimate viewer has tossed the pebble.  Her good buddy Tyler Perry tossed another pebble when he asked her to co-produce Precious. 

Now, it is time for the proverbial brick.  I’m going to keep asking my readers to blitz her producers until L.Y. is invited on Oprah to get her to talk about her experiences with child abuse. 

To this end, the Saving Promise campaign is doing another Oprah blitz today.  Before midnight tonight, I want everyone to heed this call: 

The walls of silence surrounding domestic violence are coming tumbling down this October.  The color purple is taking center stage.

During the 2010 National Call for Unity today, I learned that the White House Council on Women & Girls needs our help to break into the news cycle on the issue of domestic violence.  So, call you local TV and radio stations as well as your newspapers to ask them why they aren’t wearing purple this October.  Tell them that four times more people in their audience experience domestic violence than breast cancer! 

The White House Council on Women & Girls wants to hear your thoughts:

public@who.eop.gov

Lynn Rosenthal, who is President Obama’s advisor on domestic violence issues, announced that President Obama has significantly increased funding to prevent domestic violence in his 2011 budget.  On her blog today, Ms. Rosenthal has featured a video about teen dating violence.

Love should never hurt.

- Victor Rivas Rivers, NNEDV spokesperson

Victor Rivas Rivers, actor and former NFL player, spoke about how it took a village of angels and advocates to help him become a man who would break the cycle of abuse in his family:

My most important role in life is father to my son Eli.

Celebrate Survivors & Break the Silence 

On its web page, the Family Violence Prevention Fund lists events which will promote domestic violence awareness this October.  You can find more events at the Domestic Violence Awareness Project’s website.  The National Network to End Domestic Violence has created a Public Service Announcement with Dr. Phil to encourage people to text HOPE to donate $10 to the NNEDV.  Verizon will match your donation.  They also have a “Click to Empower!” Facebook campaign with Allstate.  For each click, Allstate will donate $1. 

My favorite survivor celebration this year is L.Y. Marlow’s Saving Promise  10-city national “Gotta Talk About It” road tour .   You can see videos and photos of the tour by clicking here.  Here’s a list of the remaining stops on the Saving Promise tour:

Sunday, October 10, 2010 (Memphis, TN)
Wolfchase Galleria Mall
2760 North Germantown Pkwy
Memphis, TN 38133
Location: TBA

Saturday, October 16, 2010 (Chicago, IL)
Old Orchard Mall
4905 Old Orchard Center
Skokie, IL 60077
Location: TBA

Saturday, October 23, 2010 (Indianapolis, IN)
Castleton Square Mall
6020 East 82nd Street
Indianapolis, IN 46250
Location: TBA

Saturday, October 30, 2010 (Seattle, WA)
Northgate Mall
401 NE Northgate Way
Seattle, WA 98125
Location: TBA

Saturday, November 6, 2010 (San Francisco, CA)
San Francisco Centre Mall
845 Market Street
San Francisco, CA 94103
Location: TBA

Saturday, November 13, 2010 (Houston, TX)
Houston Galleria Mall
5085 Westheimer Rd
Houston, TX 77056
Location: TBA

Saturday, November 20, 2010 (Atlanta, GA)
Lenox Square Mall
3393 Peachtree Road NE
Atlanta, GA 30326
Location: TBA

We will never shut up, give up, or go away! 

Today is the 162nd anniversary of the Seneca Falls Convention.  Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony launched the women’s movement to prevent domestic violence.  It never caught on with the suffragettes or the feminists or NOW.  But, the Battered Mothers Custody Conference, Mama Liberty, Rights for Mothers, Randi James, and Angel Fury are kicking butt and taking names! 

Today, they launched the American Mothers Political Party.  Their new website is loaded with valuable information and resources.  You will be able to easily access them by clicking on their signature photo on my blogroll. 

I admire these women tremendously.  They are leveraging the hell out of exceedingly scarce resources.  They are clever, fiercely protective, brilliant, diligent, irreverrent, fearless, courageous, funny, and strong.  They have done a phenomenal job of digging up research and ferreting out experts.  They networked and brainstormed ideas.  They started web sites.  They raised holy hell and looked for solutions.  They went after a judge in California and got his sorry butt voted off the bench.  And, they’ve gotten the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence off the dime too. 

• National Dialogue, July 20, 2010 at 12:00 – 1:00 EDT

When a clueless twit of a judge snatched their kids from their protective arms and gave these innocent babes to a known abusive man, these women didn’t whine.  They didn’t wait to be rescued.  They kicked butt.  Bravo! 

If you are having a bad day, I hope you’ll check out their YouTube video.  It will make you proud to be a woman. . .or a man who supports us.

Women often remain in violent relationships because they don’t have the money to get out.  The Avon Foundation is hoping to change this. 

In 2004, the Avon Foundaiton launched their Speak Out Against Domestic Violence campaign.  So far, they’ve donated over $12 million to more than 400 domestic violence organizations.  That’s why they’re on my blogroll of donation recommendations. 

Yesterday, they announced grant guidelines for 2010: 

Domestic violence victims may be less likely to leave and stay away from abusers if they have limited hope of achieving economic stability on their own.  Additionally, this lack of economic stability or programs may increase the likelihood of a return to the abuser or lead to homelessness.  The creation and funding of the Avon Empowerment Self-Sufficiency Program will make an immediate, tangible difference for DV survivors by providing them with guidance and assistance to create independent, violence-free lives. 

Up to 30 grants will be awarded totaling up to $1.5 million in 2010. 

The application deadine is April 16, 2010.  Funding is for October 1, 2010 through September 30, 2011.  I’m psyched about this round of grants because recipients will have measurable outcomes including proof of things like job placement.  At a minimum, recipients will have to help people with: 

• affordable housing and public aid
• scholarships
• job training, education, and employment agencies
• public-use of computers
• business clothing advice

Avon works primarily with the National Family Justice Center Alliance to deliver services to people who have experienced domestic violence.

It is ironic that today the Marines started a D-Day inspired mission in Afghanistan.  Two very dear friends have sons who were recently deployed.  My nephew was one of the first Marines in Afghanistan.  He came home with horrendous PTSD.  Soldiers who experienced abuse as children are more likely to develop Complex PTSD. 

It got me to thinking about the costs of war.  It got me to thinking that most people who have experienced domestic violence, child abuse, and sexual abuse knew all about terrorism before 9/11.  The difference is we know the names and faces of our terrorists.  They aren’t strangers in a foreign country who want us dead.  They are often people with whom we share a bed. 

Almost $1 Trillion Spent on the War 

I’m still ticked off that the U.S. government intends to invest $317.39 to protect each victim of domestic violence in 2010.  Meanwhile, the Department of Defense plans to spend $130 billion on the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. 

My calculator can’t compute numbers that big.  So, I did a little surfing.  The Washington Post reported in 2007 that the war was costing $720 million/day or $500,000/minute. 

In other words, we spend as much on the war in one day as we’ll spend on domestic violence for a whole year.  The 2010 budget proposes $730 million to protect and serve 2.3 million people who will likely experience domestic violence. . .which is essentially domestic terrorism.  Three women are murdered every day.  They needed protection from a terrorist, but they didn’t get it.  $317.39 doesn’t buy much protection. 

Nobody cares what these terrorists do behind closed doors until they go on a shooting spree like DC Sniper John Allen Muhammad or Maurice Clemmons, who assasinated four cops in Lakewood, WA. 

I have a strong hunch that if we flipped those numbers and spent $130 billion on preventing domestic violence for a year that we’d probably have peace on earth in about a month. 

And, I cannot fathom why the folks in Washington, D.C. don’t look to the costs of war as the primary reason our economy is in the sewer looking up at the toilet.  We could fund a lot of help for folks living on Main Street with $130 billion. 

Why Did We Go to War Anyway? 

I was a little shocked last night to realize we’ve been at war almost a decade.  I’ve often thought that the war was more about Dick Cheney’s pension from Halliburton than terrorism.  Deborah White did an analysis on her blog about the costs of war.  She claims: 

• Halliburton overcharges classified by the Pentagon as unreasonable and unsupported:  $1.4 billion.
• Amount paid to KBR, a former Hallliburton division, to supply U.S. military in Iraq with food, fuel, housing, etc.:  $20 billion.
• Portion of the $20 billion paid to KBR that Pentagon auditors deem “questionable or supportable”:  $3.2 billion.

We could fund an awful lot of economic stimulus if we just got this money back from Halliburton.  But, I doubt that will happen any time soon. 

If you are curious how taxpayers’ money could be spent more prudently, you might want to check out The National Priorities Project.  It is a little mind boggling to see the cost of war counter spin.

I was raped at 9 and molested from the ages of 9 through 14, and

because of that, I’ve always wanted to be able to sit down and

talk to a group of child molesters and ask them why and how

they do what they do.

It’s the most honest conversations I’ve ever had with sex offenders.

- Oprah Winfrey

Do these guys look like child molesters?  They are.  This is what Oprah wants you to know:

• 90% of child molesters know their victims.

We’re talking about family friends, uncles fathers, brothers and neighbors.  Less than 10% of molesters are the strangers who are abducting kids who you see on the news.

The greatest misconception about child molesters is that they look like creepy guys in long, black trench coats that drive a van with covered windows.  They are often people who others have trusted and would swear it could not be that person.

• Molesters don’t choose their victims at random.

They seek out vulnerable children, gain their trust and seduce them.  It’s all very calculated, and it’s all very deliberate.  Without trust. . .the sexual abuse is not possible.  Trust is the number one factor they need to succeed.

Oprah’s guest was Dawn Horwitz-Person who treats child molesters and their victims.  She said:

I can help [victims] work through processes, grooming, the time put into planning, etc.  When they understand how they were set up and how much time and effort was put into the planning of their offense, they are better able to let go of the shame and blame that victims often feel.

David, one of the molesters Oprah interviewed confessed he was able to seduce and rape a relative who was neglected by her parents:

I was the only one there in her world who would listen to her, who would validate her.  That gave me such power over her.

• Molesters manipulate their victims to make it feel good.

That confuses the child into blaming themselves when it’s never the victim’s fault.  The “grooming” process starts early ~ it’s subtle.

Lee, the grandfather on the left of the photo, offers advice for parents:

Open your eyes.  See what’s happening.  If you notice someone who spends more time with the children than the adults, it’s a red flag.

Darren, who molested his daughter, admitted:

Kids don’t lie.  They’ll be dismised because [adults] believe the adult instead of the child.  Listen to the children.

• If you have experienced incest or sexual molestation, tell someone.

If they don’t believe you, keep telling until somebody does.  Molesters do not want you to talk.  Tell somebody today.

Oprah and Dawn Horwitz-Person

Ms. Horwitz-Person acknowledged focusing on counseling for people who experience sexual abuse won’t stop it:

It is like the river scenario where the offenders are upstream throwing victims down the river and all the therapists, social workers, etc. who are downstream are pulling victims out of the river.  That does nothing to stop the problem.

She decided to start working with offenders because then she could get to the root of the problem and stop it.

You can watch Oprah’s two-hour conversation on her web site.

Answer:  $317.39 if you are one of the 2.3 million people who will experience domestic violence this year.   

Meanwhile, the Defense Department (DoD) wants to spend $130 billion on the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan this year.   

I was surfing the ‘net yesterday looking for domestic violence statistics.  At the National Network to End Domestic Violence’s site, I discovered that President Obama’s budget proposes a record $730 million to support domestic violence services.  I can appreciate their excitement because the figure is almost double what former President Bush allocated in 2004:  $385.4 million.   

On the other hand, violence against women in all its guises costs the economy $5.8 billion ~ $4.1 billion of that goes to medical care.   

This means the government is spending $2,521.74 on each victim.   

I have no idea who came up with that number or what expenses they included, but it seems low to me.  For example, domestic violence is the number one reason people call 9-1-1.  I’m pretty sure the cost of responding to those calls is more than $1.7 billion.  There’s typically an arrest which means somebody goes to jail and to court.  The crimnal “justice” system is typically the largest portion of a local government’s budget.   

The budget includes a 39% increase for transitional housing and a 22% increase for legal assistance.  Housing and Urban Development’s (HUD) budget proposal includes a new initiative to make it easier to access renter’s vouchers, but I don’t think these are earmarked for DV survivors.   

When the Violence Against Women office was running on a super-skinny budget, they saved the taxpayers $14.8 billion in averted social costs during their first six years of operation.   

Clearly, prevention makes more economic sense.    

If the Tea Party leaders want to raise hell about something, I think they ought to start asking why the VAWA budget is so skinny and the DoD budget is so fat.   

And, those of you who aren’t getting help from the system now have the statistics to raise hell with your elected officials over their insane allocation of scarce resources.  Yes, an ounce of prevention really is worth a pound of cure.  And, peace is cheaper than war.   

If lobbying isn’t your thing, you can make a donation to the NNEDV.  They’re the folks who got the VAWA budget doubled.

On January 24, 2010, she told the New York Times‘ Deborah Solomon that V-Day stands for:

. . .vagina and victory-over-violence and Valentine’s Day.  A lot of beautiful words begin with V ~ voluptuous, vulva, volcanic, vulnerability.

Her focus for V-Day 2010 is on Building The City of Joy in the Congo:

The desire was to create a name that was not about women’s victimization, but about claiming their future.  We’ll have a radio station (we hope).  We’ll have a huge field that women will plant to grow their own crops; we’ll have therapy; we’ll have dance; we’ll have theater; and women will come for six months, everything paid. . .

Dance has a transformative effect on bodily trauma.  When you’ve been raped, the trauma lodges itself in your being.  Dance is a surefire way to release it.

V-Day events are scheduled around the world.  (I had better luck finding events in the Seattle area by entering my zip code than by clicking on their very cool interactive map.)

February 5, New York City:  V-Day Benefit

On Friday, February 5 at 7:30 PM in New York City, there will be a benefit reading of Eve’s latest work which will be published on February 9:  I Am and Emotional Creature:  The Secret Life of Girls Around the World:

The book aims to inspire girls to take agency over their minds, bodies, hearts, and curiosities.  It is a vehicle to empower girls and inspire activism.

Ms. Ensler will be joined by Jennifer and Peter Buffett (NoVo Foundation), Cynthia Nixon, Kyra Sedgwick, Kevin Bacon, and David Stone as well as V-Board members Rosario Dawson, Beth Dozoretz, Donna Karan, Katherine McFate, Pat Mitchell, Cari Ross, and possibly Kerry Washington.

Tickets range from $100 to $5,000.